


Love For The Lonely

by thisimpossibleyear



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Connor isn't dead au, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 22:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11587827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisimpossibleyear/pseuds/thisimpossibleyear
Summary: In a world where color was only seen by those who had felt the touch of their soulmate, Evan Hansen didn't think he'd ever see the vibrant hues everyone spoke of and he most definitely didn't think he'd find it in the hands of Connor Murphy.





	1. chapter one

Color was something Evan Hansen had never known. His life had always been simply black and white. In a world where color was only seen by those who had felt the touch of their soulmate, Evan had given up on ever experiencing the vibrant hues everyone gushed over.

He was young, only in his senior year of high school, but the chances of someone falling in love with him seemed slim. How could someone love someone who couldn't even love themselves? He pitied the poor soul who was paired to him- or maybe he was on of the "unlucky" ones. The people who lived their lives only to find no one who truly completed them. People like Evan's mother.

As a child Evan imagined what it would be like to fall in love. His mother would try to describe color in vivid detail, never having the heart to tell her son she had never seen it as well- that although she married his father, they weren't meant for each other. They simply used one another as someone to fall back on. He would learn this as he grew up, but she wanted to preserve his innocence for a bit longer. He always seemed so fascinated with it.

He had hoped his soulmate would be Zoe Murphy, who he had adored since grade school, but this idea quickly diminished when she found her color in Alana Beck's hands. This had been in their sophomore year and Evan had long accepted that he was more in love with the idea of Zoe rather than who she was. She was talented and radiated warmth, who wouldn't feel drawn towards that? The two girls deserved each other.

Evan had been dreading waking up that morning. Getting out of bed each passing day was a struggle, but school only seemed to make it worse. He liked the sanctuary his small room and twin sized bed had to offer, just the thought of leaving made his mouth go dry and his breathing quicken. He didn't want to face another crowded hallway with people who couldn't meet his eyes. He didn't want to face another day at all. He had half the mind to call his mother, who was working the morning shift at the hospital, and ask for a mental day. He knew she would agree to it, but Evan couldn't bare to hear the disappointment in her voice. He knew how hard all of this was on Heidi. He knew most days that he was more of a burden rather than a blessing. She tried to hide it, but he could slowly see it wearing her down with each passing hour. Between bills, Evan's medicine, and college slowly approaching, Heidi struggled to keep her own head above water.

Evan finally dragged himself out of bed and to school, wearing the same thing he did almost everyday- a worn out, blue polo and khaki pants. There was barely anything else in his closet and the threads on his sleeves had already begun fraying. He moved through the double doors of his high school and pushed through the hallways, his shoulders tense already and head down. He held his arms close to his chest as if trying to become as compacted as possible, trying to fold into himself and disappear. As the boy approached his locker, a voice rang through the corridor and a hand clapped down on his shoulder.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much?" Evan could place the voice in a heartbeat- Jared Kleinman, the closest thing Evan had to a friend. He was a mousy kid with glasses and a sense of awkwardness he never grew out of. The two had known each other since they were infants being that they were "family-friends." Jared liked to claim the only reason he spoke to Evan was to keep his mother happy so she could continue to pay for his car insurance, but almost anyone could see through this facade. Although he would never admit it, Jared cared about the honey-haired teen.

"That's not what- I didn't-" Evan tried to intervene, spinning around as the words spewed quickly from his mouth.

"Paint me a picture, you're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone-" Jared continued, mimicking his words as he pretended to scroll through his phone. Of course he knew Evan had gotten over his crush on Zoe over a year ago, but that did mean he'd let him live it down.

"That's not what happened!" Evan cut in once again, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was listening. "Obviously, I was- well I was climbing a tree, and I fell."

"You fell out of a tree?" Jared exclaimed, his face lighting up in amusement. Evan simply made it too easy to pick on him. "What are you- like, an acorn?"

"Well I was- I don't know if you know this, but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison's State Park. I'm sort of a tree expert now- I mean not to brag." He began to explain, his words rushed together as his palms grew sweaty. He looked slightly proud of himself when he mentioned being a "tree expert," but this was quickly hidden with his usual panicked expression. "Anyways I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree-"

"And then you fell?" Jared finished his sentence for him, his hands gripping on the straps of his bookbag.

"Well it's act- It's a funny story though because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where i just laid there- on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. I was just, any second now- I kept saying to myself any second now." Evan continued, his words becoming more frantic as he told the story.

"Did they?"

"No, nobody came! That's- that's what's funny." He finished with forced laughter, wiping the palms of his hands on his shirt.

"Jesus Christ!" Jared laughed loudly, finding a hint of enjoyment in how pathetic Evan's story seemed.

Evan began trying to ask Jared about his summer, but couldn't even get the words out. He hated when he got like this, but it already felt out of control. His medicine was supposed to help this, but it never did. He constantly felt trapped in his mind and could never truly feel comfortable in someone else's presence. A tall figure began pushing through the crowd, a mess of cedar-colored curls wrapped in a large black hoodie. The people around him moved out of his way, clearing a path and whispering as he moved by. The infamous Connor Murphy was no stranger to anyone there. Everyone knew of his erratic habits and aggressive nature. Most with half a brain cell knew to leave him alone.

"Hey Connor!" Said Jared as he stepped out towards him, a twisted smirk on his face. Evan's eyes filled with panic as he saw this. He really didn't know when to stop, did he? "Loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic." Connor's jaw clenched at the words, his stormy blue eyes narrowing at the smaller boy. "I was just kidding," He added on, the humor slowly leaving his voice. "It was a joke."

"Yeah, I know, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Connor deadpanned, his hands tightening into a fist at his side. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" He continued, his tone rising while his voice lacked emotion. Evan, who was still standing behind Jared, jumped slightly at the sudden rise in volume. He was already in a bad head space and Connor's yelling didn't help.

"You're such a freak." Jared said, gesturing to Connor before turning on his heel and walking away, leaving Evan there with Connor, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. He forced himself to laugh slightly, trying to lighten the situation for himself, but this only earned a glare from Connor.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" He spat, his words sharp. "Stop fucking laughing at me." Evan desperately tried to explain himself, but Connor cut him off before he even had a chance. "You think I'm a freak?" He inquired. Quickly moving closer to the stuttering boy. "I'm not the freak, you're the fucking freak!" With these words Connor roughly shoved Evan, standing above him as he hit the ground.

Evan landed on his cast and felt a rush of pain go through him. His eyes were clenched shut as the impact washed over him, but the moment he opened his eyes, his arm was the least of his worries. Slowly the black and white canvas around him faded away and vibrant colors were taking its place, lighting Evan's world up with something he had never seen before. He was finally seeing color! He didn't have time to revel in his excitement, for with this came a new wave of fear.

Color only came when you touched your soulmate and the only person around him was Connor- The Connor who had just called him a freak before throwing him to the ground. Evan forced himself to lift his head and meet the other male's eyes, recognizing the emotion on Connor's face within a second- fear. Connor had seen the color too. The two locked eyes before Connor completely registered it all and sprinted away down towards the school doors, leaving Evan distraught and confused on the hallway floor by himself.


	2. chapter two

Evan didn't even make it through his first class of the day. He ran out fifteen minute in with tears in his eyes and now was in the bathroom, locked in the stall farthest from the door. The events from that morning were still reeling in his mind and he couldn't focus on anything else. Connor Murphy, the brooding loner who threw a printer at their teacher in second grade, was none other than his soulmate. It didn't bother him that his soulmate was a male, Evan had long accepted that he was bisexual. It was the fact that Connor hated him. He thought Evan was a freak just like everyone else. Just like always, he had messed up his only chance.

You're a fucking freak.

Connor ran off because he hates you.

You fuck everything up.

You can't succeed in anything.

You don't deserve to be happy.

These words chimed through his head as he slid down the bathroom wall, causing another shaky sob to pass his swollen lips. His knees were pressed to his chest as he sat on the floor, gasping for air as the panic overtook him. Evan balled his hands into fist, digging his dull nails into his palms. He could feel his mind fogging up and his vision go blurry, something that happened a lot when it got this bad. He looked frantically around the compact stall, pressing his hands against the cold tile of the floors and trying to force himself to focus on it. Evan was trying to anchor himself, find something to stimulate his senses and remind him where he was before he was completely lost. Before this could work though, the bathroom door was pushed open, the door knob forcefully hitting the wall behind it. Evan could see the faintest glimpse of torn up black shoes as the newcomer moved through the room. He found himself trying to keep quiet now that he wasn't alone, listening as the sink turned on. Despite his efforts, Evan couldn't catch his breath and began hiccuping as the tears ran down his face, his eyes red and swollen from crying. The stranger exhaled loudly and glided over to the stall Evan was in, banging his fist up against the door.

"Jesus, will you shut up already?" The voice he now recognized as Connor Murphy growled, the venom in his tone making Evan jump. "Pathetic." He whispered to himself, turning around on his heel.

"I-I'm s-sorry." The smaller boy mumbled, his voice barely audible. He had no reason to apologize, yet it was always his first instinct. Of course Connor was the one to find him like this. When had things ever gone in Evan's favor? Connor's movement stopped once more, turning around and returning to Evan's stall.

"Shit, Hansen, is that you?" He asked, his rude tone faltering just slightly as he realized who he had just yelled at. It was the same voice he had heard in the hallway that morning before his world turned upside down. He couldn't have forgotten it if he tried. Evan slowly stood up and opened the door, his hands shaking. The poor boy looked awful and Connor noted on it immediately, not exactly having a filter. "Fuck, you look rough."

Evan was already regretting opening the door for him. Their had been a slight sliver of hope that Connor was actually coming to help him, but now he was just standing there insulting him. Lovely. Connor must have noticed the the broken expression on Evan's face go from bad to worse when he said this because the sharpness flickered from his eyes once again. Connor felt helpless for a few moments before he remembered something his mother used to do to calm him down when he was younger. It was worth a try.

"Come here, sit down." Connor exhaled, placing his palm gently on Evan's back as he led him back into the stall, sitting down and motioning the other boy to the same. It was obvious Evan was unsure and hesitant, but he was in no mindset to argue. Once they were sat down next to each other, side by side with Connor's hand now light rubbing reassuring circles on his back, he spoke once again. "I need you to breathe with me, okay?"

Evan gave him a look as if he had sprouted two heads. Couldn't he see Evan was trying? He wanted to calm down and "just breathe," but it was never that simple. If it were, he wouldn't be in this sorry state right now.

"Come on, you have to try." Connor pleaded quietly, reaching over and turning Evan's face so he was looking at him. "Breathe with me." He continued, inhaling air and holding it, a feeling of relief washing through him when Evan did the same.

Connor didn't know why he was doing this. If it were anyone else he would have told them to get a grip, giving his peers another reason to hate him. He would've called them pathetic and actually left. He wouldn't have stayed or tried to help them regulate their breathing. For some reason he couldn't bare to leave Evan like that. He hated all the bullshit about soulmates and the cheesy stories that followed the word around. At this point, Connor simply believed love was something Hallmark coined to sell movies and cards. No one like him deserved love anyways. So why was Evan different? Why was he here with him on the dirty bathroom floor when he already had his might set on leaving?

Minutes passed in silence as they sat there, Connor holding his breath for eight second intervals and watching as the smaller boy did the same. Evan had finally stopped crying and was beginning to calm down. Connor took this chance to study his face, not knowing the next time they would be so close. People tended to avoid him.

Evan had faint freckles sprinkled across the bridge of his nose and a hint of a fading sunburn leftover from the summer sun on the apples of his cheeks. His tousled hair seemed soft and curled just slightly at the ends, but that's not what pulled Connor's attention. Evan had beautiful blue eyes, almost matching the color of his shirt perfectly- an ocean of blue he wanted to get lost in. "I think blue might just be my favorite color." He murmured, not even realizing he had spoken out loud.

"H-Huh?" Evan stuttered, now snapped out of his thoughts. He had been enjoying the comfortable silence that had fallen upon them. He wasn't expected to say anything or impress anyone. Evan liked seeing this side of Connor. This side was so comforting and gentle, while he usually seemed so unapproachable. "What was that?" He asked, fiddling with the large cast that cover his left arm.

"I said, blue is officially my favorite color." He repeated himself after a moment, his tone becoming more confident as he removed his hand from Evan's back. The other boy looked at him with a questioning expression and opened his mouth to say something, but Connor cut him off. "Your eyes." He said simply, a hint of a smirk of his pale face as he ran his fingers through his long hair.

"O-oh!" He expressed, his face growing red as he grew flustered, looking down at him lap. That was a compliment, right? A good thing? "Thank you." Evan murmured, gingerly raising his gaze to look at him. "And not just for the eye thing." He continued before Connor could reply. "F-for everything- calming me down. I-I'm sorry you had to see me like, it usually isn't that bad." He lied, sighing as soon as the words left his mouth. "Actually they're always like that, I don't know why I said that." Evan was rambling at this point, his words rushed and runned together as they always seemed to be.

"It's no problem." Connor shrugged it off, seeming to get lost in thought for a minute. He sat up and reached into his bag, rummaging through balled up worksheets before finding a clean piece of paper and an ink pen. "If it happens again and you- I don't know, want to talk about it or something," He began, the whole situation seeming foreign to him. He didn't have any friends and he had never been good at being a team player. Zoe always seemed to be social enough for the both of them. "This is my number." He finished, shoving the paper into Evan's hand. "Just use it, okay?"

An unreadable expression passed over Evan's face and for a second, he thought he was going to cry again. "Y-Your number?" He repeated, seemingly shocked. Who would want to be associated with him? "I will- use it I mean, I-I'll text you."

"Good- Shit, the bell is about to ring." Connor grumbled, glancing down at his phone. He had been hoping to sneak through the doors while class was still in session so no one would notice but now he was almost out of time. "Look, Hansen, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

"Right, later." Evan nodded, feeling stupid for simply repeating everything the other said. His mind still felt foggy and a part of this just seemed too good to be true. "I should get to class anyway." He murmured as they both got up, brushing off the back of his pants as he watched Connor move towards the door, stopping before he left.

"Oh, and Hansen?" He called, looking at him from over his shoulder,

"Yeah?" Evan asked, a spark of hope flashing in his eyes. Evan didn't know what he expecting from him- just the thought of finally having someone was astonishing.

"Don't mention this to anyone, okay?" He requested. "I still have a reputation to uphold." With those words Connor left the bathroom, leaving Evan alone and speechless for the second time that day.


End file.
